Fitness attempt

Just endured one of the most humiliating experiences I’ve had for quite a while now. Decided to productively spend my day off in the gym, followed by an aqua aerobics class. Gym was amazing, on full form, helped along by this morning’s coffee and an interesting interview with the only female sumo wrestler in the UK for treadmill motivation. Finished in the gym 15 min before the start of aqua aerobics so went for a short swim to warm up, pool is freezing at the moment due to broken heating. Things started going wrong when it got nearer to 12.15 and I noticed that, apart from the plucky instructor in colourful board shorts, there was only one other woman in the vicinity. She was probably about 20 years older than me, with a tribal tattoo on the right shoulder and a permanent scowl. As I looked at her, sat in her loose, black bikini I contemplated a, “pools cold today, isn’t it?”
Taking the silent option, I waited and finally along came an Indian woman in a red swimsuit, an ageing man with a huge belly and another girl around my age, who was pregnant. The warm up involved waving our hands in the air and walking back and forwards in the 15m meeting pool looking like complete idiots before squatting in a line around the circumference. The jumping up and down continued whilst I lowered my gaze and tried to avoid eye contact as the instructor looked at me encouragingly. At the 20th call of ‘come on now guys, kick, kick PUNCH’ I started to panic and look round desperately for some idea of the time. None was to be found, and, after turning round doing star jumps in some sick version of the ‘macarena’ I considered my escape.
Settling for the ‘I’m too tired after the gym, this is too much for me I think I need to get out’ excuse, I started to make my way towards the steps – just as the pregnant woman climbed out and murmured her apologies. At this point the instructor starting passing out the foam ‘noodles’ and I decided to stay in the hope that this might improve things. It didn’t, it actually made it worse, particularly as it was nearing the end of lunch hour and people were filing from the gym, past the pool and into the sauna. Armed with a new excuse (I’m feeling a bit ill at the moment and I think the water is too cold for me to stay in), I again started to make a move – just as the instructor enthusiastically screamed ‘Right guys now we’re going to have some FUN! Get into pairs!’
Eyes wide in terror and now fully disheartened I was jostled into position behind the woman with the tattoo and told to vigorously push the noodle back and forwards to knock her off balance. Water was splashing everywhere and the instructor was leaning over us, her huge smile turned sinister as she boomed, ‘ISN’T THIS FUN?! AHA HA HA!’
At this point I couldn’t take it anymore and scrabbled away from my partner, to the steps, climbed out, past the instructor and ran to the safety of the sauna. A guy in there asked, ‘are you waiting for them to finish before going in for a swim?’
I shook my head, told him I’d just managed to escape, sunk my head into my hands and closed my eyes. Luckily in the sauna I could still hear the crashing 80s soundtrack, allowing me to hide out in safety, until the coast was clear.
Despite the fact I won’t be attending another aqua aerobics class in a long while, I look forward to the week ahead. When every scrap of dignity and self respect is finally gone, anything’s possible.